Saturday, March 26, 2011

How To Thank Your Mother For Saving Your Life

I always seem to be finding new and impressive ways to injure myself.  I tell people this all the time, but they never believe me until I tell them how I got the scar on my elbow (an accident involving a safety line) or how I saved my own life by learning to swim, or how I got the scar down the inside of my bottom lip.  I’m constantly running into door frames, tripping on shoelaces, sliding down stairways, and ending up on my butt on the floor.
On this particular occasion, when I was about three years old, I had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to cause this particular accident.  I’m really lucky because it was one of those scary, ‘I-could-have-died’ accidents and I’m really lucky my mom was there.
Construction had just been completed on our brand new house in the suburbs!

My parents took me to go look for some furniture.  I can’t remember who all came with us, but I remember Grandma G was there. 
This particular store had a really crappy layout.  All of the furniture was crammed into a small showroom and stored really close together.  I remember there was this one really cool hall tree with a giant mirror.  I liked mirrors, especially making faces in them and dancing in front of them.

At some point during my grand finale finish, someone either bumped or fell into another piece of furniture on the other side of the show room.

My mom had about a split second to react to the impending doom bearing down on her then-only child in the form of a massive domino-effect taking the form of furniture.
Now, one fact about my mom you should know at this time is that she is TINY.  She has always been a very small lady.  Looking back at pictures from this time in my life, my mom couldn’t have weighed more than 110 lbs soaking wet… on a guilty cookie day… if she were wearing 5 pounds of jewelry.
That hall tree I was so blissed out dancing in front of was a SERIOUS piece of furniture.  So when my mom saw that giant hall tree of evil bearing down on her baby girl, the adrenaline must have kicked in because the next thing I knew…

My mom ended up breaking her leg… and not just a normal break on an ankle or other joint… and not just a little break like a hairline fracture.  We’re talking full on snapped solid bone in two break… All to save my precious little life from a falling hall tree.
I have no idea what happened next.  I briefly remember being out in the parking lot (it was dark out) and seeing flashing red lights (probably an ambulance).  I remember drawing on my mom’s cast with crayons and thinking it was *so cool* she got a body part that she could draw on.

In our new house, the entry way had a staircase that goes up a bit, then turns at a landing, and goes the rest of the way up.  There’s a little balcony over by the linen closet towards the top of the stairs.

For some reason, my little 3 year old brain just ACHED to throw stuff off of that balcony onto the floor below.  I don’t know why.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time… but I was ALWAYS getting yelled at for it.
So one day, when my dad was off running an errand, I got a sneaky idea.

My mom didn’t notice that I had stolen her crutches and hidden them somewhere in the next room… most definitely out of her reach.  When she noticed me climbing the stairs towards my room, she asked me what I was doing.  I, of course, said I was going to go play with my stuffed animals in my room!

I imagine that it wasn't that nice to wake up to the 'thud' 'thud' sound of numerous stuffed animals hitting the tile floor...

When my dad got home, BOY was I in trouble.  I’m surprised my mother even talked to me after that.  There she was, crippled because she SAVED MY LIFE… and how did I repay her?  By turning into 3-year-old Satan spawn and stealing her crutches so that I could be as naughty as I wanted without consequences.
I try to be extra nice to my mom now… but I have to admit… I am TERRIFIED that I’ll end up with a kid like me some day!
Mom, if you’re reading this, I AM SO SORRY THAT I WAS SUCH A BRAT!

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